Jack ate seven candy bars today; What does he have now? Diabetes.

Twinkle twinkle little star... Point me to the nearest bar.

*Shipwreck diary* Day 1: First day was pretty good. Met a crab. Day 2: I have married the crab. Day 3: I have eaten my wife.

In 20 years, I will look back and say that I was a photographer and model. When they ask me my agency, I'll say "Instagram".

It's gotta be weird stuffing money into a stripper's bikini when every bill has a photo of your grandmother on it.

if all the worlds a stage, where is the audience sitting?

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

How do you know if honesty is the best policy unless you've tried some of the others?

Wouldn't it be ironic to die in the living room?

Why are buttons on boy's shirts on a different side than girl's shirts?

How come the sun makes your skin darker but your hair lighter?

Why are things typed up but written down?

What is a male ladybug called?

If you crossed a bull dog and a shitsu, would it be called a bullshit?

If the speed of light 1000,000 km/s, what is the speed of dark?

Who tastes the dog food to know it has new and improved flavour?

If diamonds are a girl's best friend, and dogs are mans best friend, which sex is smarter?

Why is the name of the phobia for the fear of long words hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia?

Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?

What hair colour do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?

How do we know Humpty Dumpty is an egg, if it does not mention the word egg in the nursery rhyme?

Poop on a car. U'll enjoy it.

Everything I want for Christmas is... shoes.... eeeh you

I can't fly. I tried, but I can't fly.

Hardest thing ever? Controlling your laughter at serious times.

How I see dogs: Beagle, german shepherd, poodle, bulldog, labrador. How I see cats: Cat, cat, cat, cat, cat .

99% of socks are single and you don't see them crying about it. :) :)

Not being able to finish a sentence because you're laughing so hard about the ending.

My bed is way more comfortable in the mornings than during the night.

RT if you get it. #girls on periods# .. I'm fine. I hate you. I love you. Come here. Go away. You're cute. Fuck off. I miss you.